Cowboy Dennis
Verified Member
Cardone Welcome baseball fans to this spring training game between the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Chicago Cubs. My name is William Billy Will Dr. Bill Cardone Incardona and I usually commentate pocket billiard matches for AccuStats Video Productions but I'm branching out into other fields as I feel the knowledge I've gleened from over 50 years of watching people compete translates wonderfully into the nuances of major league baseball.
I'm joined in the booth by my two longtime friends, Freddy "The Beard" Bentivegna and "San Jose" Dick McMorran. Freddy & Dick how are you guys doing?
Freddy Bentivegna I'm doing fine Will and I'd like to thank you for inviting me to this baseball broadcast. I'm guessing we won't have to hear you gushing about Efren Reyes anyway.
Dick McMorran I'm doing well Dr. Bill, it's a great day for a ballgame even if a person has a team in Chicago.
Cardone Yessir Dick it is a great day for a game and speaking of great could you imagine if Efren Reyes played baseball? He would have transformed the game more than eliminating the 4th strike did. Just think of all the creative things he could have done with a bat in his hand. Ted Williams' record .406 season average set in 1941 would fall by the wayside. Joe DiMaggio's 56 game hitting streak would fade away next to the things Efren would do. Home run records would be set and reset by Efren every season the way Ruth did. Lou Gehrig's Ironman streak? Forget about it.
In the field with a glove on his hand he would've done things that no human has ever done. Jeter's flip to Homeplate, forget about it, childs play for Efren. Did you know that in the early days of baseball the fielders laid their gloves on the field at the end of an inning for the other team to use? Facts are what I deal in. Speaking of gloves, did you know that most gloves are made from leather made here in the USA but I'm guessing that if Efren Reyes played baseball he would use a glove made from the finest Italian leather. Did you know that they don't use barbed wire to corral cattle in Italy so therefore there are no scratches embedded in the leather? Most people don't know that fact but facts are what I deal in everyday. I know the odds & percentages of everything that will happen today in this game or in any other.
I'm thinking that Efren could have been a pitcher, he had that much talent and know-how. Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Bob Feller and all the other great pitchers would stand in his shadow if he decided to pitch. I'm certain he would've been the first ambidextrous pitcher, throwing with whichever hand was needed to strike out a batter. Batters would therefore be repositioning themselves constantly to try to avoid Efren's genius.
Speaking of batters, did you know they use bats made of Ash? Sometimes today they even use Maple bats. I don't think it would matter to Efren though, he'd throw the ball by 'em either way. Efren would have the greatest selection of pitches ever seen from one man in the history of MLB. I have no doubt he could start out with a fastball and then have it change to a curveball as it approached the plate. The batter would therefore have to reposition himself in a feeble attempt to hit the ball, by then it would be too late.
There's no doubt in my mind that if Efren were to play centerfield he would revolutionize the way teams think of fielders. I'm guessing that he could play left & center field simultaneously therefore repositioning the left-fielder to play a deep-shortstop position. No balls would get through the left side of the infield like this and if they did Efren would catch them. Very simple.
Batters would be sharked by the "Efren Effect" in much the same way that poolplayers are. Batters would try to avoid the left side infield much the same way that Ted Williams attempted when the "Williams Shift" was employed against him. The batters would be thinking more about Efren than the pitcher and they'd be easy victims.
You would see Efren's team winning 130-140 games every season, something no team has ever done. Could you even imagine the sheer number of triple-plays he would start if he were a 3rd baseman? Or double-plays if he was at 2nd? It boggles the mind.
If Efren played Major League Baseball he would have:
More World Series homeruns than Yogi Bear.
More continuous games played than Cal Ripken jr. & Lou Gehrig combined.
More consecutive scoreless innings pitched than Orel Hersheiser.
The highest season average that anyone has ever seen, I'm conservatively thinking maybe in the .850 range.
More hits than Ty Cobb & Pete (I never bet on baseball but I'll say I did to get into the HOF) Rose combined.
As an outfielder, he'd have a higher putout average than Marilyn Chambers, Aunt Peg & Jennifer Aniston combined.
All in all I'd have to say that as a Doctor I'd prescribe Efren Reyes to any bottom-rung team in Major League Baseball. He only has one flaw that I've ever seen, I don't really care for his method of applying eye-black but it would be nitpicking to say it's a large flaw. He's the cure for what ails ya'. If he happened to land with a Chicago team then he has many friends there who would...
Janitor Excuse me sir, could you lift your feet?
Cardone Huh? What? Who are you?
Janitor I'm the janitor sir, I need to mop the floor, I'll only be a moment.
Cardone Where are the teams? Where are Freddy & Dick?
Janitor The teams are gone sir as are Freddy & Dick. The game is over. You've been talking for an hour & a half.
Cardone...
Who won?
I'm joined in the booth by my two longtime friends, Freddy "The Beard" Bentivegna and "San Jose" Dick McMorran. Freddy & Dick how are you guys doing?
Freddy Bentivegna I'm doing fine Will and I'd like to thank you for inviting me to this baseball broadcast. I'm guessing we won't have to hear you gushing about Efren Reyes anyway.
Dick McMorran I'm doing well Dr. Bill, it's a great day for a ballgame even if a person has a team in Chicago.
Cardone Yessir Dick it is a great day for a game and speaking of great could you imagine if Efren Reyes played baseball? He would have transformed the game more than eliminating the 4th strike did. Just think of all the creative things he could have done with a bat in his hand. Ted Williams' record .406 season average set in 1941 would fall by the wayside. Joe DiMaggio's 56 game hitting streak would fade away next to the things Efren would do. Home run records would be set and reset by Efren every season the way Ruth did. Lou Gehrig's Ironman streak? Forget about it.
In the field with a glove on his hand he would've done things that no human has ever done. Jeter's flip to Homeplate, forget about it, childs play for Efren. Did you know that in the early days of baseball the fielders laid their gloves on the field at the end of an inning for the other team to use? Facts are what I deal in. Speaking of gloves, did you know that most gloves are made from leather made here in the USA but I'm guessing that if Efren Reyes played baseball he would use a glove made from the finest Italian leather. Did you know that they don't use barbed wire to corral cattle in Italy so therefore there are no scratches embedded in the leather? Most people don't know that fact but facts are what I deal in everyday. I know the odds & percentages of everything that will happen today in this game or in any other.
I'm thinking that Efren could have been a pitcher, he had that much talent and know-how. Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Bob Feller and all the other great pitchers would stand in his shadow if he decided to pitch. I'm certain he would've been the first ambidextrous pitcher, throwing with whichever hand was needed to strike out a batter. Batters would therefore be repositioning themselves constantly to try to avoid Efren's genius.
Speaking of batters, did you know they use bats made of Ash? Sometimes today they even use Maple bats. I don't think it would matter to Efren though, he'd throw the ball by 'em either way. Efren would have the greatest selection of pitches ever seen from one man in the history of MLB. I have no doubt he could start out with a fastball and then have it change to a curveball as it approached the plate. The batter would therefore have to reposition himself in a feeble attempt to hit the ball, by then it would be too late.
There's no doubt in my mind that if Efren were to play centerfield he would revolutionize the way teams think of fielders. I'm guessing that he could play left & center field simultaneously therefore repositioning the left-fielder to play a deep-shortstop position. No balls would get through the left side of the infield like this and if they did Efren would catch them. Very simple.
Batters would be sharked by the "Efren Effect" in much the same way that poolplayers are. Batters would try to avoid the left side infield much the same way that Ted Williams attempted when the "Williams Shift" was employed against him. The batters would be thinking more about Efren than the pitcher and they'd be easy victims.
You would see Efren's team winning 130-140 games every season, something no team has ever done. Could you even imagine the sheer number of triple-plays he would start if he were a 3rd baseman? Or double-plays if he was at 2nd? It boggles the mind.
If Efren played Major League Baseball he would have:
More World Series homeruns than Yogi Bear.
More continuous games played than Cal Ripken jr. & Lou Gehrig combined.
More consecutive scoreless innings pitched than Orel Hersheiser.
The highest season average that anyone has ever seen, I'm conservatively thinking maybe in the .850 range.
More hits than Ty Cobb & Pete (I never bet on baseball but I'll say I did to get into the HOF) Rose combined.
As an outfielder, he'd have a higher putout average than Marilyn Chambers, Aunt Peg & Jennifer Aniston combined.
All in all I'd have to say that as a Doctor I'd prescribe Efren Reyes to any bottom-rung team in Major League Baseball. He only has one flaw that I've ever seen, I don't really care for his method of applying eye-black but it would be nitpicking to say it's a large flaw. He's the cure for what ails ya'. If he happened to land with a Chicago team then he has many friends there who would...
Janitor Excuse me sir, could you lift your feet?
Cardone Huh? What? Who are you?
Janitor I'm the janitor sir, I need to mop the floor, I'll only be a moment.
Cardone Where are the teams? Where are Freddy & Dick?
Janitor The teams are gone sir as are Freddy & Dick. The game is over. You've been talking for an hour & a half.
Cardone...
Who won?
